Ryan Lochte Doesn’t Like Beans, & Other Fantasies

I would apologize for not writing in, like, 30 years, but alas, I’m not one for sorry’s. I’m sure we’ll be all the better without it.

Rather, I’ve been busy polishing up a few I-want-to-go-to-grad-school odds and ends and eating through a pile of grilled cheese sandwiches. I’ve also been cheating on my Southerner’s diet with said grilled cheese sandwiches and working like one Hillary Clinton in Ohio as she smiles through a barricade of passive aggressive Midwesterns: All. The. Time. So unfortunately writing has been hard to come by these days as I’m brainstorming through what will eventually become my long form application essay &/or the apex of my scheduled emotional and spiritual breakdown.

But, yawn. That’s all incredibly boring.

Instead, let’s ponder on celebrated Olympian Ryan Lochte’s diet in a short essay – no, pièce de résistance – that is nothing less than what I imagine will be the revival of proper food writing.

Ryan Lochte

Memorable quotes to look out for:

“I love oatmeal.”

“I really don’t like beans.”

“The Duckhorn Cab, that is my hand’s down favorite [wine]. I’ve been to vineyards, I’ve been to all these different wine places. People try to get me to taste other wines. I taste it, but I’m like, ‘Nope. Duckhorn is still my favorite.'”

But what’s truly astonishing is author Alex Begg’s finessed editorial touch to the piece – how she translates the living poetry that is Ryan “Jeah” Lochte and turns it into a narrative, a reflective miniature memoir if you will, worthy of James Beard himself.

The other day, [Lochte] had spiralized pasta, or as he put it: “Instead of regular pasta, I had this cucumber pasta.” Did he like it?!? “I was just like, oooh, when I saw it, I was like ‘Yeah, I’m probably going to vomit from this. This doesn’t look good. Where’s my other pasta?’ It was definitely good, he told me. “I would have it again, but I would want a big old steak next to it or something. I need something else than that.”

To replace his soda addiction, “I’ve been drinking water with… You know those little drops?” We work out that he means the lemonade flavored MiO drops.

And in an allusive shout out to every attractive female at our figurative brunch table who is dropping $15 on a slew of relatively average ingredients piled upon a piece of bread:

In other lifestyle blogger foods, [Lochte’s] been having one of the other most popular food trends of the decade for breakfast every morning (well, three or four of them) – but I’ll let you guess which one by the description: “You get a piece of toast and then you put some avocado, mushed up avocado, and you spread it on the bread.”

My admiration sounds like total bullshit sarcasm, but au contraire. This is the short form essay all quick editorial reads should be clamoring to emulate. Alex Beggs may be the American hero born and bred to record the diets of other American heroes. And Ryan Lochte may be the Kim Kardashian of American sports – if only because LeBron James mildly impressed me in the film, Trainwreck, so there’s that unfortunately.  

However, that’s nothing to bat lashes about, and for that, here’s to Alex Beggs, the girl who I’m now way too enthusiastically following on Twitter.

We all deserve a good life. I know this now because of this one essay. And Ryan Lochte.




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