Hi. My name is Lauren, & I just got laid off.
Here’s the thing no one tell you about getting laid off, because frankly, they don’t have to: It sucks. It sucks hard. Like yesterday, I considered falling asleep in a grocery store aisle while looking for canned pumpkin, because despite my circumstances, I still apparently have a lot of class & a decent amount of self-respect.
But this isn’t a pity party you just walked into. Oh no, my dear children! This is just a party, & it’s my party, so hands to yourself & sit Indian-style & go pop yourself some of that microwaveable Jolly Pop Popcorn, because it’s STORY TIME!
Once upon a time, in a magical, bygone era before my company seized all operations & fired my entire office simultaneously, exactly one day earlier, my coworkers had similarly gathered around & sat Indian-style, just as you are doing now, for our weekly ICE BREAKER WEDNESDAY! (Okay, c’mon. It is not as corny as it sounds, & if you stay quiet, I promise I’ll give you a S’mores Pop-Tart, because, delish. So are we good now? Good.) & In a stroke of pure coincidence, or as Alanis Morisette would call it, “ironic”, the icebreaker of the day was: “If you woke up with unlimited skills & resources, what would your dream job be?” HILARIOUS, I know. So my answer was obvi to write all day & make pies & live on a farm & be the coolest girl ever of all time. & The next morning, as if the angels themselves had deemed me worthy, I woke up with the same amount of skills & resources, went to work, & got fired.
It was all so dreamy afterwards at the bar in-between sobs & various fits of vomiting when everyone urged everyone else to follow their crazy, crack-den dreams we had claimed earlier. We were all so simultaneously hopeful & dead on the inside that when I woke up the next morning, again, with the same skills & even less resources, there were only a few new thoughts rattling around in that little brain of mine:
- I guess I can watch Ina Garten on The Food Network today.
- I guess I can watch the Halloween Baking Championship on The Food Network today.
- I guess I can watch The Food Network all day.
Don’t worry, darlings. I didn’t do that. Instead, I wandered around a Marshall’s & bought some Spanx for absolutely no reason at all, & then I proceeded to eat the cheese samples left out at a Whole Foods for lunch.
& Then I cried. But after the whole crying bit, I put on my big girl pants & made a blog. & Bought the ingredients for a pie. & Did not move out to a farm, for I am not delusional, children. I am clearly a very reasonable young lady, & I have some boot straps to tighten, thank you very much.
Yes, I made a blog – the very blog you are reading now actually – about crack-pot dreamin’ & pancake recipes & old Peanuts cartoons. About Casper the Friendly Ghost & Huckleberry Finn. About high culture & as-low-as-you-can-go culture. Basically, I am writing what is the spiritual equivalent to the crap you still read on the back of cereal boxes, for, disclaimer: This is just another online journal about a girl who doesn’t live on a farm but who instead lives in Chicago & takes photos with her cell phone & has Internet access. It is not a glamorous life, no, but I’ll be damned if it is anything short of wonderful.
This is a blog. & My name is Lauren. & I just got laid off.
P.S. I will never allow you to forget that Kirk Douglas once sang a sailor song for money in a Disney live-action film. Now you know you’re in good hands.